Do Not Lick Your Fingers At DisneyLand,

no matter how fucking good that cotton candy was.

Or regardless of whether or not you're stuck on a scenic train ride with nothing to wipe that sticky, gooey mess on.

I promise you, no good can possibly come from it.

Alright. I was going to stop there. But serisously. My kids licked their fingers too. How come they didn't catch the same cooties I did? Really?

Kids are nasty and dirty.

They stick their fingers up their noses (I would never do that...)

They don't wash their hands. Ever.

I'm a germaphobe. My daughter relishes in this fact.

She loves to swing those stupid swingy lids on garbage cans when we're in public.

She never hesitates to touch a toilet seat. Anywhere. Or open those icky little bins women throw their trash in in a public restroom.

Yet, I'm the one who caught cooties from licking my fingers!!

Fuck the Magic of Disneyland.

All you get is cooties.

I Finally Had To Step Away.

I agonized about this for a long time.

I finally just had to do it.

Sometimes it hurts.

But not very much and not for that long.

This really surprises me.

We were "best" friends for a very, very long time.

Even when we lost touch for those years in the middle when you moved away, you were always still a part of me.

I was so happy when you moved back a few years ago.

I'm sorry we weren't able to keep our friendship alive longer.

I tried.

I tried so hard.

But you were always too busy.

You always had better things to do, other people to see.

You drove (still do) by my house at least 3 times a month and I was lucky to see you even once a month.

You nonchalantly cut me out of your wedding. You said it was because you wanted a smaller wedding.

What's worse is you didn't even tell me when you decided to do this. You dropped it like a bombshell when we were all at the bridal store looking for dresses.

You always took. You rarely gave.

I felt like such a junior high-schooler in this relationship.

I'm too old for that. Life is too short.

I thought it would be hard.

But really, it was easy.

I feel so much relief.

Goodbye, my friend.

I will miss what I thought we had.

Me: What Options Do You Have For Vegetarians?

Them: …….well…..we have chicken….

Me: Chicken is a meat.

Them: Oh. I didn’t know what kind of a vegetarian you were.

Me: Really? I’m the kind who doesn’t eat meat.

I shit you not, people. This has happened to me MORE than once since I quite eating land mammals at the beginning of August.

I Just Spent Forty Minutes Trying To Poop

9give or take – Surprisingly, I didn’t time it or anything).

And I was highly unsuccessful.

Sometimes life is so unfair.

Once a dear friend gave this advice: “It should never take longer than 5 minutes to drop your load. If you take more than 5 minutes, it’s entirely too long. You need to wait until you KNOW you can complete your task in that amount of time.”

Is that even POSSIBLE??

On a lighter note, I’m going to have a Scentsy party. So if your house stinks (presumably you shit, even though obviously I don’t) hit me up and I can give you the link to place an order.

No pretty pictures today. I had to get a new computer and haven’t transferred any of my pictures over or taken any new ones for a while.

Don’t Let The Crazy Girl Have A Pair Of Scissors

Especially if she’s in the process of changing her meds.

She might just go bat shit crazy and cut all her hair off.

Yep. All of it.

Well almost. It was down to the middle of my back. It is now well above my shoulders.

Fuck me.

I know the picture sucks, but that’s what you get with a phone camera.

It looks like I have lipstick all over my face. I don’t. And look at those eyebrows. That’s some scary shit and I’m sorry you had to see it. I mean, fuck, she should just go get them waxed. And yes, I’m sitting on my bed. I’m lazy. And tired. And I didn’t sleep last night, so if it looks to you like I’m trying to cover up crack-whore eyes, you’d be right.

I just won 50 points on the SuperLucky Button!

Here is an invite code worth an extra 50 points! If you've wanted to join, now is the time!

I cashed out for $25 in Paypal cash during the month of October....all for FREE.

Christmas is coming!!

I just won 50 points on the SuperLucky Button!: Superpoints is a members-only club where you earn great rewards for doing things online like taking surveys, watching videos or shopping.

My Dog Is So Smart

She can open my bathroom cabinets – that don’t have handles – and pull shit out from under there. Like Q-tips, make-up, my flat iron.

She can take books directly off the shelf.

She can take my nail file, comb, and pills off of my bedside table.

She can go under my bedspread, which is under my pillows and get the charger for my computer out.

What’s even better is she loves to chew it all up.

If she were REALLY smart, she wouldn’t do that.

Damn dog is lucky she’s still alive after chewing various power cords that were still plugged in.

Anyway, I had to replace that laptop charger. You’d think for $90 fucking dollars that bitch would actually work. The charger, not the dog.

Nope. The first one quit working. The second one never worked. Third one, a charm?

Uh huh.

Anyway. I took the kids for a drive today. We just wanted to get out of the house and look for a place to walk or play for a while. We found a cute little park. It was a nice, long drive.

Fuck, I’m tired.