I Can't Wait Till I Have

to go next time, so I can see if this really happens:

Any advice?

See more When Parents Text here.

Her Dog's Butt

touched my hand.

I feel so dirty.

And, no, that is not code for something you might be thinking you'd like to try.

Yes, I did wash my hands.

With antibacterial soap.

About 800 times.

Help Me Bribe My Children

so I can show you why you really should not run in the house.

Your parents were right.

Fuck.

(P.S. I just might send somebody something for helping me.)

It Has Been FOREVER

since I've posted.

And I miss you guys.

A. Lot.

I don't know. I just sort of ran out of shit to say.

Or shit I thought you might actually want to hear.

I'll work on it.

Right after I clean up 4 fucking boxes of cake mix and 2 fucking pouches of cookie mix and about an inch of water off of every motherfucking surface in my kitchen.

I swear there is something majorly wrong with my kids

And is that how you spell 'majorly'? It's saying it's spelled wrong but won't give me any damn suggestions.

Oh well, you get the drift.