Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It Would Be Great If It Was True

Rob Thomas tweeted to me.

That was a comment left on my blog. Now, I’m not sure if she meant it the way it sounds.

To me it sounds like I’m trying to pull a fast one.

I’m not.


One thing I will NOT do is lie.

If I wanted to do that I wouldn’t tell ya’ll things like:

  1. I yelled Son of a whore in the principal’s office at the school my kids go to.
  2. I was scared of that poopy smell I smelled. Especially when I’m sure what I meant to say is Fucking Shitty smell. Anyway.
  3. It bothers me when one puts milk from two different jugs (No, not THOSE kind of jugs!! Although, that would probably be even MORE fucking disturbing.) into one glass.
  4. I ate 7 hotdogs. In. One. Day.
  5. My husband once told me me he didn’t want to do it (have sex for those of you more mature than I) because his eyes were too dry.
  6. I told my husband he could have the used XBox 360 he found in the garbage at work for Father’s Day.
  7. I love Graham Norton. No really. I LOVE him. What self respecting female would actually say that?
  8. When my 7 year old was puking his guts out, all I could think of was how I was going to turn that into a blog post. I am MEAN.
  9. I am a fucking retard.
  10. The definition of my name, as defined by UrbanDictionary.com.
  11. We use shit people throw away at a carwash. Please don’t judge me.
  12. I like to write blog posts in the shitter.
  13. I went to my shrink with salad dressing on my face. MY. GODDAMN. FACE. FUCK!
  14. My 5 year old can’t spell her name. But she can spell Poop.

Would you admit to any of that shit if you could lie your motherfucking ass off?

I didn’t think so.

Yes. Rob Thomas tweeted to me. He did say the fuck word.

If you can’t see where he tweeted. The word Fuck. To ME! I will plaster that shit on this post.

And I circle it in, bright, motherfucking red. Just to make sure.

And let it be known, I am not artistic or talented enough to be able to fake a screen shot.

If I could I totally make Tom Hanks tweet that he thought I was great last night.

Or I’d make Prince William tweet his undying love. To me.

And when I’m Queen of Motherfucking England, I will have all you unbelieving, cocksucking shits beheaded.

I’d also like to point out when I type in Motherfucking I don’t get that little, squiggly red line saying it’s misspelled.




Emily Suess said...

I thought you said you weren't funny anymore. LOL! :D

Meg said...

You make me laugh. Out. Loud.

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